Before I left
Some
words that came to mind when I thought of study abroad during the month
leading to my departure: unknown, fear, failure. Living in an unknown
city for five months, fearing the risk of being alone, struggling and
even failing at a new university. Now that’s a pretty negative way to
think of a five month sojourn in Paris, but for most of my life I’ve had
difficulty dealing with change. Staying where you are is comfortable
and safe. I found myself wondering why I had made such a decision to
uproot my life for half a year and send myself to almost certain
disaster (yes, I was fairly sure that my time abroad was going to be a
disaster). Sure I wanted to travel, see the world, experience different
cultures, but like this? Boarding a plane all by myself without a clue
of what was going to happen when I landed?
While I was there
Thankfully,
those thoughts did not last long once I was in Paris. I was still
anxious as I arrived; I hadn’t slept at all on the plane, and I had very
little idea of how to navigate Charles de Gaulle airport. Eventually I
found the API study abroad staff and other students who were in my
program, but all I could look forward to was sleep. On the ride from the
airport to our hotel where we would stay the first night, I saw Notre
Dame for the first time, and at that moment I finally started to feel
like I made the right decision. Before the first week in Paris was over,
absolutely no doubt remained that I had made the right decision.
Suddenly, I was having the time of my life and study abroad took a whole
new meaning. It meant friendship, a new family, a new home. It meant I
was exactly where I wanted to be and I never wanted to leave. It meant
every day I was improving my language skills and realizing that there
was a whole world at my disposal.
When I got back
I
was devastated to come home. I thought it meant that all the wonder and
magic of this experience had to end. That was only partially true. Sure
I was returning to Massachusetts, which is certainly no Paris. I was
leaving my newest best friends and my resident directors (who were like
moms away from home), and I had sincere worries that I would be leaving
behind this new person I had become. If I returned back to
Massachusetts, wouldn’t I turn back into “Massachusetts me?” Would
“Paris me” fit in here? During those 5 months, I felt myself grow and
change. Usually, personal growth happens gradually so you don’t notice
it all that much, but the change from studying abroad happens in just 5
months and you notice it. I felt more confident and secure, I had a
broader idea of what it meant to live life, I was more organized and had
new, exciting plans for the future. I liked who I had become. I’m not
saying I underwent a full transformation; I was me, but I was a “me” who
felt a lot happier about life. That’s a lot to lose but fortunately, those
are the changes that come home with you. I can’t bring Paris back to
the USA, and I can’t move my friends across land and ocean, but I can
bring what I’ve learned about the world and myself. Returning home felt
like a struggle at first. The “Paris me” and the “Massachusetts Me” had
to learn how to cohabitate; I had to come to terms with not having fresh
crepês every day and once again living the small-town life, but I’d
like to think that the “Paris me” takes the drivers seat now with more
confidence and a better outlook on life and opportunity.
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